


Sunshine

by BloodstainedRazorBlade



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 11:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15556572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodstainedRazorBlade/pseuds/BloodstainedRazorBlade
Summary: Hawkeye's sunshine is gone





	Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> My very first MASH fanfic ever, and my very first posting on Ao3 despite being a part of this site for...I forgot how long it's been. I was here once before but my profile got deleted somehow, so this is my second one. 
> 
> Much love to PrairieDawn for being a quick, awesome beta and encouraging me with sweet compliments. 
> 
> I don't own MASH in any form, just like to play with them once in a while.

Hawkeye groaned as he rolled over. His dad had apparently snuck into his room at some point in the morning and opened the curtains. Daniel kept insisting Hawkeye needed fresh air and sunshine, no matter how much the younger doctor protested and sulked.

Hawkeye hated the sunshine. It stabbed him, burned his eyes, ached his heart.

Sunshine pierced the darkness he kept himself wrapped in. The darkness kept him safe, kept away all the things that hurt him _(smiles, bright eyes, softness)_ , things he refused to think about, remember _(tears, promises, hot breath in his ear)_

It kept away all the things he refused to let himself fear _(hope, want, _need, hope_ )_

Hawkeye sat up, wrinkled his nose at the open window. Might as well make a bathroom run while he was awake. His father was nowhere to be seen or heard, thank goodness. Hawkeye did his business, half heartedly ran a comb over his hair, considered making breakfast (lunch by now?)

 _What did it matter anyway?_

Back in his room, he yanked the curtains closed and flopped onto his bed. The curtains let in just enough light to annoy, but not overwhelm. He squeezed his eyes shut, stopped the sunshine’s smile from tickling his eyes. He couldn't face it, the pain from the radiance. It hurt too much inside and out.

“Hey, Hawk, you could use a shower.”

His eyes snapped open, closed quick again as he was blinded. No way.

The bed dipped on one side. “Come on.”

Hawkeye opened his eyes. The darkness fled in the face of sunshine despite his clawing and scrambling to keep it close. “BJ?” He sat up, mind aflame.

“Who else?” BJ’s smile was as dazzling as ever.

Hawkeye couldn’t help but let the light engulf him, burn away the dark.

His trembling hands clutched BJ’s arm, sent shivers of heat through Hawkeye as he squeezed. He couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to. _No way it’s real. (No way he’s really here for me)_

“Let me help you, Hawk.”

“Why are you here?”

“I missed you.”

Hawkeye gulped, couldn’t speak. 

BJ grinned and stood. “I wanted to see you. It’s been too long.”

Hawkeye lumbered to his feet, all the light and warmth painfully distracting. He followed the brightness down the hall, desperate to not be left alone in the dark. His refuge had been shattered, no going back. _(Never going back whole)_

He saw nothing but the sun as he stood in the bathroom, awkward limbs stiffly obeying BJ as he directed them out of their clothing confines. Hawkeye half wondered if he should hop into the shower to hide himself. Being lovingly stripped was a world away from a mutual shower in a tent surrounded by the threat of death.

He gave up as BJ’s soft, gentle hands guided him under the spray of water, utterly surrendered to hot skin and warm breath as BJ hugged him close, found his mouth with his.

Hawkeye lost himself in searing white heat. No sensations pierced the bubble BJ surrounded him with. _(Nothing could, he was no longer his own being, he was broken and melded to a star)_ Greed for touch drove him to take all he could reach, taste every offering given. The darkness was a fleeting memory, pain and loss floated away.

“Oh, Hawk…” BJ’s voice was a summer gale, knocking Hawkeye over if not for strong arms around his waist. 

He knew he should find shelter. _Summer storms and sunshine never last._

He couldn’t, refused. Let it kill him, if only he could revel in the raw beauty now.

Hawkeye urged BJ’s voice to rise, call for him. He wanted that sound seared into him with the light, be an indelible mark on his soul, one that even his darkness couldn’t touch.

All too soon, his body turned to mush, his brain leaked out of his ears. He sagged against the shower wall. BJ leaned against him, nuzzled his neck, murmured Hawkeye’s name.

“We should--” Hawkeye flapped a hand at the bathroom door.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Hawkeye was in a haze as BJ dried him off and led him back to the bedroom. They stretched out on the bed, blankets haphazard around them. Hawkeye swore his was on fire, enveloped in the heat and storm that was BJ _(he was summer, new bright life)_

His eyes fell shut against his will. He didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to risk losing everything to the darkness. 

“Hawk?”

“Hmm?”

“Time to wake up. You need to eat.”

“I’m ok.” Hawkeye opened his eyes. “What--” He bolted upright, heart stuttering.

He still wore the same clothes as earlier, was still alone. _(So alone)_ He still smelled of yesterday’s sweat, not hint of the summer day of BJ around.

The darkness swelled again, a stabbing reminder that it was his only companion, that he never had _(and will never have)_ the sunshine burn his soul.

The _(old sweat stinking non fresh breeze having)_ pillow soaked up his tears as he gave up to his misery.

He looked around the room, the cold settling in his bones.


End file.
